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SCOTT LYERLY

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  • Excel Geeking: How I Came To Be An Excel Geek

    January 6th, 2014

    The number one question I get in any job interview goes something like the follow:

    Interviewer: “So, Scott, I see here you were an English lit major.”

    Me: “That’s correct.”

    Interviewer: “So, tell me, how does an English major end up in the IT systems world?”

    I get this without fail. Every interview I’ve had for the last ten years.

    So, how does an English lit geek become a IT systems geek?

    It started with Borders Book and Music. Remember them? They were the upstart to Barnes & Noble that eventually became a chain themselves, and so unwieldy a chain that they could not react fast enough when the nature of retail changed (thank you, Amazon), and they went belly-up. I was finishing up my degree at the University of Maryland and working as a lifeguard in a hotel. It sucked, but it was decent money, and the staff (mostly) got along well enough. Then someone suggested to me, “Hey, you’re an English major, why don’t you work for Borders?”

    To quote Bill Engvall, “That sounds like a superb idea, my friend!”

    I loved being a bookseller. I went into Borders and stayed with them full time for five years, and part time for five more after I left. People ask me sometimes what I could do if I could do anything, and the answer is always “be a bookseller”. I love finding books for people, people searching specific titles, or just a suggestion for something to read. And the harder the search the better.

    Alas, as much as I enjoyed being a bookseller, I enjoyed eating more, and being a bookseller doesn’t quite cover all the bills. (So be nice to the staff the next time you go into a bookstore, cause they’re there because they love it, not cause they’re raking in the dough!) But money was only half the issue. I was, after all, on a management track and was probably a year away from getting my own store. No, the bigger problem were the hours. Eventually I decided that I really wanted nights and weekends back. I hadn’t seen a full set of either in five year. And holidays? What are those?

    So I decided to make a change. I decided to look for something new. But I had all of this retail experience now, so retail seemed to be the perfect choice. But not in the stores. I wanted to see something in a corporate size and color.

    From here on in, I’ll refrain from naming companies. Border is all well and good (and gone), but the rest are still around, and I don’t want to cause trouble. Not that I plan to badmouth them, but people (and the Supreme Court has taught us that corporations are people) can be touchy.

    I wandered through a series of jobs and a couple of companies. I learned Excel in bits and pieces. And slowly, very, very slowly. I was a bookseller. I’d never seen a spreadsheet before. And macros? What the hell is a macro?!? People showed me a few things, both in spreadsheets and then in the macros underneath. My Excel experience grew. It was not, however, exponential growth. There were some things I could not get my head around. Things like variables. How could something start with one value, then, halfway through a process change values? That’s crazy talk!

    Eventually I landed at a company with a boss who was very forward thinking. He always had the next five steps planned even while we were all taking the first. He was the one who really pushed me into programming Excel. I was administering a system that I had become proficient on in the last six years of constant use. It was the first major application I learned to use after leaving Borders, a heavy-duty replenishment and inventory management system. I had been hired by this company to administer this system, and I did do some of that. But my new boss pushed me into programming. He saw a gap that didn’t really exist, and created the need to fill that gap. It was all about expanding the power base, and he was damned good at it.

    My first application was this piece of shit I built called the SKU Tracker. This thing was terrible. My boss and the business representatives told me what they wanted (something I would later learn were elusive and skittish and typically called [gasp!] “requirements”) and I set about building it. I won’t lie, that thing was built by Google. I had no programming experience and no idea how to even begin. I remember one part of that thing ran in a loop doing calculations and creating sub totals without using the SUBTOTAL utility in Excel. I must have worked on that loop for two weeks before it worked. In the end, that thing was functional, but held together with toothpicks and duck tape.

    And that was it. I was hooked and off to the races. I bought Excel books of every kind, and built tons of applications. I was contracted with one company to build a new merchandise planning system for them out of Excel and Access. Since that crappy thing called the SKU Tracker, I’ve continued to read and experiment and program and fail and succeed and curse and smile and now, write about Excel.

    And that’s how I came to be an Excel Geek.

  • A Sherlock Holmes Short Story

    January 5th, 2014

    Recently, a US district court judge ruled that most of the elements of Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes are in the public domain. Everything with the exception of the elements of stories written in the last eight years of Conan Doyle’s life are free for use.

    Eight or so years ago, I wrote my own Sherlock Holmes story. The reason is a little past my memory. I think it’s as simple as “because I wanted to”.

    I’ve never done anything with this story except shelve it. Until now.

    For your reading enjoyment, I present you my own Sherlock Holmes story.

    The Adventure of the Double Kidnapping

    By Scott Lyerly, after Arthur Conan Doyle

    In the course of my friendship with Sherlock Holmes I had the great fortune of following him on some of the most unusual and spectacular criminal cases of which I’d ever heard. I have also had the good fortune to be able to put pen to paper and record many of them. During the length of time I knew him, I would estimate that he had worked on over a thousand cases, perhaps as many as fifteen hundred. As a witness and oft-times chronicler, I recorded perhaps half of those, a small sample of which have been published in various pulp magazines, some journals of criminology, and even the occasional medical journal. But in all of my long years of acquaintance with Holmes, his cases, and his investigations, perhaps I found none more chilling than the case of Mrs. Annette Uxbridge.

    It was early spring in ’88, and the weather, which had been both wet and turbulent, had just changed once more. After nearly a fortnight’s worth of rain and wind, the clouds parted and the sun had finally been good enough to show his face.

    One morning that April I had taken a stout walking stick from the canister of them by the door to our flat and went for a lovely stroll through the brighter parts of London. A breeze was up and the sun shone down upon my face in a warm and inviting way. As I was finishing my walk and returning to Baker Street, I witnessed, exiting our flat, a large man with rough shaggy hair and a woolen coat that appeared to be second-hand. He stepped up in the driver’s seat of a hansom that was parked before our building and gave the reins a shake. Horse, stirred from its own reveries, started forward and soon the hansom had passed me and gone off around the corner.

    I climbed the steps to my door, and upon entering I found Sherlock Holmes standing at the foot of the stairs.

    “Watson! You are just in time. I’ve just been entertaining a visitor for whom this meeting was not a social call.”

    “I assume you are referring to the hansom driver?” I asked.

    “Excellent! You’ve seen him. What do you think?”

    “I really have had little time or information to form an opinion of the man. Has he brought a case to you?”

    “Indeed he has,” answered Holmes, his eyes twinkling. “A kidnapping no less.”

    “Really Holmes,” I scolded lightly, doffing my hat and holstering my stick in the canister by the door, “you seem to take such delight sometimes in the misfortunes of others.”

    “An understandable but incorrect conclusion, my friend. I never take delight in the dastardly actions of men and women, but I do enjoy the opportunity they provide to stretch the science of deduction. Shall we go upstairs where I may explain it to you over a cup of tea?”

    “By all means.”

    We proceeded up the stairs and into our living space where a fire warmed the room and Mrs. Hudson, being always attentive to our dietary needs, had already laid a small platter of tea and two cups for us. We had just settled into our chairs, cups in hand, when there came a fresh knock upon our door. We listened for a moment to the footsteps of Mrs. Hudson as she crossed the floor to see who was calling.

    “Two visitors in one day?” remarked Holmes. “What is that saying, Watson? ‘It never rains, but it pours’?”

    “I believe that’s it indeed, Holmes, but how do you know it is not the same visitor from earlier, come to give you fresh insight that he has recently recalled?”

    “Easily, Watson. In the case of our first guest, Mr. Michael Holiston, he rang the bell, rather than knocking. Why should he alter his method of announcing his presence having been here so recently? Additionally, Mr. Holiston was a very agitated and quick mannered man, whose movements and gestures appeared hurried and rapid. The knock at our door below suggests a person with a slower and yet more deliberate manner. And if I am not mistaken, based on the footsteps on the stairs, there are two visitors. But here they are.”

    Entering our rooms were indeed two gentlemen, one an older man and the other a younger straighter man. The older man, a frail figure with thinning white hair, walking stooped with age over an ornately carved cane. He was well dressed though a slight bit disheveled. The other man was taller, erect of posture and dapper of dress, which bordered on meticulous. He had sandy colored hair and a tanned face, which I gathered he got from numerous outdoor excursions.

    “Are you Mr. Sherlock Holmes of whom I’ve heard so much about?” asked the older man.

    “I am Sherlock Holmes, though I can not speak to what rumors you may have heard. This is my friend and associate John Watson.”

    The older man nodded in my direction and I likewise.

    “I am Mr. Emberley Harrison and this is my son-in-law Mr. Julius Uxbridge. I have come to you on an errand of great urgency.”

    “Please, come sit. There is tea if you would like”—the old man waved his hand in polite dismissal and his son-in-law followed suit—“No? Very well. Pray tell me what has brought you to me and please spare none of the details.”

    Mr. Harrison began to tell Holmes his tale.

    “I am, Mr. Holmes, the wealthy patriarch of our family. I have acquired a great deal of money throughout the years through the careful management of my company, which specializes in shipping freight over and across the seas. It has been very lucrative and, at times, very dangerous. Shipping is a rather cutthroat business and I have mad more the a few enemies throughout my years. I have made both friends and enemies.”

    Holmes placed his hands under his chin, folded, his eyes closed halfway.

    “You also ship inland, an easterly course all the way to the orient.”

    “Indeed. How do you know this?”

    “Your walking stick has some of the more fantastic ornamental designs I have ever seen. They are eastern by nature and of impressive detail and quality. From it alone I can imagine the breadth of you wealth.”

    “Yes, I have had many dealing with the east. Shipping knows no bonds. And as I said, it has been terribly lucrative, both personally and professionally.”

    “Personally?”

    “I met my wife on one of my trips to the orient.” At this Mr. Harrison paused and took on a rather sad countenance.

    “Pray continue,” said Holmes.

    “Many have tried to take a piece of my fortune from me, by legal means or by more dastardly methods, but until now, I have always been able to fend off any such attacks. But recent events have shaken me to my very core and I do not think that I will have any choice but to acquiesce to the latest attempt to take part of my fortune.

    “Two nights ago, my only daughter, Annette, was kidnapped. She was taken in the middle of the night by one, or perhaps several persons. Yesterday evening I received a note demanding a ransom in return for her release. I am an old man, Mr. Holmes. My wife died giving birth to my daughter. She is one of the only bright spots left in my life. I must have her back safely.”

    Holmes’s eyelids raised and he shot me a look across the coffee table that was so quick, our guests did not notice it. But I did, and I knew full well what he was thinking. A second case of kidnapping in so many hours. It seemed a strange coincidence.

    “Do you have the note with you know?” asked Holmes.

    Mr. Harrison drew it from an inner pocket of his waistcoat and handed to Holmes, who unfolded it and proceeded to examine it carefully. He rose from his chair and strode over to the desk where, among the clutter of all manner of personal papers sat his magnifying glass. Sitting down again, he gave the letter a closer review until, after several minutes had passed in silence, he handed the letter back to Mr. Harrison, who proceeded to read it aloud for my benefit.

     

    “ ‘To Mr. Emberley Harrison-

    We have taken your daughter and she is in our control. Should you ever wish to see her alive again, you will comply with our monetary demands within three days time. If you choose to ignore this letter, your daughter’s life will be in grave peril. Any attempt on your part to bring law enforcement into this situation will result in an equally dangerous position.’

     

    The letter goes on to state the monetary demand as well as instructions regarding its placement.”

    Holmes had brought his fingertips together in front of him. His eyelids had lowered again and he stared at our two guests with a resolute look.

    “Do you recognize the handwriting at all sir?” asked Holmes.

    “It does appear in some way familiar but I’m afraid I’m unable to pinpoint it.”

    “Have you followed the letter’s instructions thus far?”

    “Yes, Mr. Holmes, I have. The police have not been contacted, nor has any other member of the law enforcement community. I would gladly follow the letter’s every detail were it not for the feeling I have deep in my stomach that I should not, or else there will be foul play.”

    “I agree with you, Mr. Harrison. I feel you should withhold the ransom at this time until we can come out to your estate and examine it thoroughly. Has the scene of the crime been preserved?”

    “As much as it can be, considering the rain. The morning we realized that Annette was missing, we scoured the grounds for any trace of her. We found a ladder that appeared to have fallen over on the ground below her window. I believe this is how the blackguards gained access to my daughter’s rooms. Additionally, there were several footprints in the mud under her window. Surely these were the footprints on the kidnappers.”

    Holmes nodded. “On the face of it, I would agree, sir.”

    Julius Uxbridge interrupted at this point, saying, “But how are we to be sure that tracks are not those of our groundskeepers? We do, after all, employ several of them, as the estate is rather large.”

    “I would think,” Holmes said, “that the recent weather we have had the pleasure of experiencing would keep them from planting petunias in the garden. Surely they would want for better weather to work in and less rain to wash away the dirt they so carefully use plant such delicate flowers.”

    Mr. Uxbridge went silent, apparently having little more to contribute to the conversation. Holmes addressed Emberley Harrison.

    “Mr. Harrison, we will be out to your estate later this afternoon. There is a matter that concerns us in the city first, but we shall be out by two in the o’clock. Will you be back by that time to escort us through your home?”

    Indeed we shall, Mr. Holmes.”

    “Excellent. We shall see you then.”

    As soon as the door closed and we witnessed through our window the two gentlemen stepping into their hansom and driving away, Holmes turned to me, his eyes positively smiling.

    “Watson, what would you figure the odds are of our two kidnapping cases being related?”

    While the timing of our introduction to the two cases seemed flawless, I still found nothing to connect them, and I stated as much to Holmes.

    “Indeed, it would seem that there is little to connect them. However, I should be less than surprised if they are related.”

    “Based on what evidence, Holmes?” I asked.

    “My dear fellow, this may come as a great shock to you, but this time it based not on evidence, for there currently is none, but rather on a feeling. Odd, that?”

     

    The remained of the morning was spent on the case of our first kidnapping victim, a Miss Nefri Holiston. We journeyed to the Whitechapel area of London, a dank and seedy locale where people lived meager, often debased existences. We passed grimy fruit sellers and other hawkers trying to sell their wares in the crowded streets. This was the time before the notorious Ripper began to assault unfortunate woman whose only crime was a life less ordinary. Down a side street we ducked and into a small courtyard we found ourselves. Lined with brick, and with brick walls of the surrounding buildings looming up on four sides, I felt that we had not entered into the living area of some Whitechapel residents, but rather into the exercise yard of a house of corrections. There were a few short doors around the courtyard that opened into one-room living spaces that were rented for less that other areas of London, but still more than they were truly worth. At the third one, Holmes knocked.

    The door opened and standing before us was Michael Holiston. He was a tall man who made himself smaller by hunching over. This was possibly a result of Mr. Holiston’s profession, eternally slouched forward over a horse, reins in hand. His manner, though quick of movement and constantly agitated, was humble and apologetic.

    “Mr. Holmes! Please, come in! Come in.”

    “Thank you Mr. Holiston. Please allow me to introduce John Watson, a friend of mine whom I find invaluable on cases such as these.”

    I shook hands with the man, his large hand and firm grip enveloping my own.

    The interior of the room was as one would expect in a place such as Whitechapel. It was small and cramped, with little space to maneuver around from the stove that served as a kitchen. The only other furniture in the room was a bed and a side table. A strong smell wafted from a kettle on the stove.

    “You are up fairly early for a man who works the night shift,” I said to Holiston. Both he and Holmes turned to look at me, Holiston with the expression of a man who has just been asked a question, and Holmes with a quiet expression of surprise.

    “Well, yes I am, sir. I have an errand to run before I begin me rounds. A licensing matter with the city.”

    “Watson,” said Holmes, “you have quite impressed me. Forgive my look of shock, Mr. Holiston, but I have not had the opportunity to inform my friend of your situation. Perhaps you could fill him in rather quickly while I look around your room. But first, Watson, you must tell me how you deduced Mr. Holiston works a night shift.”

    I felt rather swelled with pride and beamed a bit while I explained. “Well, to begin with, Mr. Holiston is brewing coffee. While coffee is often a drink of the morning, it is by far not the choice of the typical Englishman. Therefore, I deduced that you drink it not for the flavor, but rather for the properties it has, chiefly its ability to keep one wide awake, even when one is tired. In addition, it is rather late in the morning for a cup of coffee, with breakfast for a working man usually coming between five and six. But what fully clarified my suspicion was the especially pale color of your skin. You have the racial earmarks of a fairly dark complexion, one which normally would not lend itself to a paleness of skin, which led me to believe that you do not get much sun. Therefore I felt safe deducing that you work only at night.”

    Holmes gave a triumphant cry while pursuing the contents of the side table. “Outstanding Watson! There are occasions I under-estimate your abilities. Mr. Holiston, is this a picture of your wife?”

    Holmes handed a small portrait over to the man, who shook his head.

    “No,” he said, “this is my wife’s mother. She gave this to my wife a very long time ago and my wife treasures it dearly. I will say that the resemblance between my wife and her mother are tremendous.”

    Mr. Holiston turned the portrait toward me so that I could see it. It showed a rather handsome woman with long hair of the deepest black color. The overall complexion was olive in color, suggesting to me some of the Afghan women I had seen during my time in the campaign in the same country. Most striking, though, was the color of her eyes, and clearest green I have ever seen. When I commented that the color seemed to be exaggerated for the purposes of the portrait, Mr. Holiston nodded.

    “I would have agreed with you, Mr. Watson, had I never met my wife. My wife, Nefri, shares the exact same eye color as her mother. They are more striking in person than they are in the portrait. I never had the opportunity to meet my wife’s mother, for she died a number of years prior to our introduction, but I have no doubt she was as handsome as her daughter is.

    “As to the current situation, there is really very little to tell, other than the fact that my wife is missing. She departed for her daily rounds of washing early morning two days ago and has not been back since. I have no evidence that she has been snatched other than a feeling of disquiet that lingers in my head. I’m really a humble man, sir, with little to offer a kidnapper as ransom. I really have no idea what someone would want from my wife or me.”

    “Nor do we, Mr. Holiston,” remarked Holmes, “though I share your feeling that your wife has been taken, probably against her will.”

    “What draws you to that conclusion, Holmes?” I asked.

    He began wandering around the room, pacing in the limited space that was available on the floor. He pointed to various things as he spoke.

    “To begin with, none of her personal effects are missing. They are all here, including such treasures as this portrait of her mother. You had stated to me earlier that she held this picture very close to her heart. I can certainly see why, as it is of tremendous quality. It is safe to assume that, if she were leaving you for another man or another life altogether, she would have taken it with her. But other basic items remain present, such as her brush and her clothing. Even the most basic trip requires some measure of packing to make one comfortable. Another point that makes me feel as though she has not simply left is the deep feelings you and your wife appear to have shared. Little things such as these notes that you leave each other outline a truly happy union. It also illustrates to me that, though you love each other, you do not see each other often. These are notes that she has left you as she is leaving to do her washwoman work during the day, and the notes you leave her are written as you are leaving to drive your hansom each night. And it is safe to assume she has not met any untimely end, as there has been no mention of any body being found in recent days matching her description. It is always possible that she has met foul play at her own hand, perhaps lying lifeless at the bottom of the Thames, however I feel certain she would have left you a note stating such as well as her reasons. Therefore, while it can never be ruled out, I do not feel it is likely. So I am forced to pursue an investigation that leads down the path of kidnapping. The question that remains unanswered to me is the motive for such an act.”

    Holmes maneuvered around the tiny flat once more and bent to pick up a slim package. He examined it and passed it to me. It was a rather exotic brand of cigarette.

    “What do you make of this, Watson?”

    “Well, it is certainly a different brand of cigarette than the normal person enjoys. This brand cannot be easy to find.”

    Mr. Holiston shook his head.

    “No, it is not. I can only find it across the city at a little tobacco shop that specializes in the oriental brands. Costs me a pretty penny, it does, but then again, my wife likes it so I’m willing to pay for it.”

    I gave the package over to Mr. Holiston, at which time Holmes announced our exit.

    “Mr. Holiston, I believe I have the beginnings of an understanding of your case. I truly hope I am wrong, for if I am not, I feel that your wife is in for a fiendish end. However, you may rest assured that I will do everything in my power to keep that from happening.”

    Mr. Holiston shook Holmes hand heavily and thanked him several times. Then, thanking the man for his hospitality, we took our leave.

    “Do you feel we can really affect the outcome of case, Holmes?” I asked him with eagerness.

    “I do, Watson, but we must hurry. If I am right, then we will need to act with the utmost alacrity. But before I can say definitively that I am right, we must first visit the estate of Emberley Harrison.”

    We returned to our space on Baker Street and Holmes dashed up the stairs for something. Then, he re-emerged and we turned our attention to waving down a hansom. A large black one made its way over to where we stood.

    “Watson, look out!”

    Holmes grabbed me by the arm and pulled me backwards. At that very same moment, a heavy black carriage thundered past, running up part of the cobblestone curb and then crashing back onto the street. The horses gave whinnies of fear but kept up their galloping pace while the driver, a large man with a heavy woolen scarf wound around his face whipped them into a frenzy. As quickly as it had been upon us, the carriage was gone, racing down the street and turning sharply around a corner.

    Holmes helped me to my feet, as I had tripped over my heels and fall backwards as he pulled me back.

    “Are you hurt, my friend?” he asked quickly.

    “No, Holmes, I’m quite well. Although I shudder to think the state I’d be in had you not seen that carriage coming. What could drive a man to push his horses so hard as to endanger the very lives of pedestrians?”

    “I think you’ve found the answer you seek in your question, my dear Watson. I believe that carriage had in its sight the very lives of the two people standing here on the curb.”

    “Surely you don’t mean us?” I cried.

    “I’m afraid I do. I think our cases are drawing closer even as we close on our adversary.”

    “Which adversary would that be, Holmes?” I asked him, but he refused to answer, choosing instead to wave down the hansom we had hailed earlier. He gave the drive a few terse instructions and with a crack of the reins we were off.

     

    It took us a little more than an hour to reach the Harrison estate, situated just outside of London. It was a sprawling expanse rolling green hills decorated by copses of trees that were just beginning to bloom after the April showers.

    The Harrison house itself was a massive monument to the man’s wealth and discretion. It was large even by estate standards, boasting no less than a hundred and ten rooms total. Yet the house was an effort in flawless architecture, blending beautifully with the landscape around it. It was largely made of stone, with wood for accent here and there.

    The curtains on one of the windows moved slightly. Looking up, I had just enough time to see a woman’s face before it vanished. I mentioned this to Holmes, who merely murmured under his breath.

    The hansom delivered right to the front door, where a large man, rather overgrown with hair, awaited us. This, we learned later, was the chauffer and footman for the elder Mr. Harrison, one Mr. Dreifus Walton. He was a burly man in the shape of a gorilla, with long thick arms, a long torso, and shorter squat legs. His feet were exceptionally small in comparison to the rest of his frame. His face showed no mirth of any sort and his dark brooding eyes bore into Holmes and I as we approached him. He was attired in a crisp uniform that was rather ill-fitting to his body.

    “You would be Mr.’s Holmes and Watson?” he growled. “Follow me please.”

    He turned and led us into the grand home, through the cathedral foyer and into a small parlor where a fire crackled in the grate.

    “Please make yourselves comfortable here while I inform the master you have arrived.”

    The moment we were seated I spied Holmes eyeing me in a peculiar way.

    “What is it?” I asked him.

    “Did you not recognize the Mr. Walton from somewhere?”

    I admitted to him that I did not.

    “He is, I believe, the same driver who ran his rather ominous carriage up the curb this morning.”

    “Surely not!” I cried. “He is in the employ of Mr. Harrison? Whatever can that mean?”

    “I think we can safely surmise that this case is becoming more curious with each passing encounter. As it happens, the solution becomes clearer with each encounter as well.”

    I was about to press Holmes further for clarification of his statement when Mr. Harrison appeared at the door.

    “Mr. Holmes, Mr. Watson. Thank you for coming out so soon. My heart is glad for it.”

    Holmes, replete in his deerstalker cap which he had yet to doff, addressed Mr. Harrison directly. “Allow us to waste as little time as possible on pleasantries, Mr. Harrison. I feel we must set to work right away if we are to find your daughter alive.”

    The directness cut right to the heart of our host, who grew ashen but remained determined of face.

    “Indeed, Mr. Holmes. Then let me take you to my daughter’s rooms.”

    We followed the elderly man up the stairs and into a large set of rooms that had the distinct accoutrements of a feminine touch. Laces curtains covered the windows and similarly adorned the large four-post bed.

    Holmes set about the room in his usual fashion, observing every nuance and subtlety it had to offer. He opened draws to the daughter’s dresser and looked inside, he lifted up the bedsheets and peered underneath, he opened the closets and took a mental inventory of each of the items contained therein. He went to the window and opened it, sticking his body nearly halfway out as he poured over the sash, casement, shutters, and outerwall.

    Mr. Harrison stood to one side, watching Holmes with intent interest. It appeared that he wished to ask the consulting detective what if anything he found that could be of use in finding to poor man’s daughter, but his patience was triumphant and he stood stoically in silence. Just as Holmes was finishing his explorations, Julius Uxbridge entered the room. In his hand was a white cloth which he held so tightly his knuckles had turned white.

    “What can you tell us, Mr. Holmes?” he asked.

    Holmes straightened from the bent position he had assumed in order to look beneath the dresser of drawers. Between his fingers he held a used cigarette.

    “Does your wife smoke, Mr. Uxbridge?”

    “Yes, she does occasionally. It is much more of a social thing for her then a regular habit. Have you found one of her cigarettes?”

    “The remains of one only, I’m afraid. It is quite cold and had doubtlessly been under the dresser for some time.”

    Holmes passed the cigarette to me. I examined it and was shocked to find it the same brand that we had found in the tiny room of Michael Holiston. My surprise must have been evident on my face, for Mr. Harrison addressed me.

    “Are you feeling alright, Doctor?”

    “He is surprised only, gentlemen. The brand of cigarette your wife enjoys is the same choice of our landlady, Mrs. Hudson. As it is a rare brand indeed, the coincidence is a surprise to us.”

    Holmes looked at me and I gave the cigarette back to him, which he proceeded to place in his pocket. I said nothing, for Holmes surely had a method to his machinations, which I was certain he would reveal to me in due time.

    “Mr. Uxbridge, I have noticed that your wife’s closet is only half full. There are many hangers that are unused.”

    “Yes, Mr. Holmes, that is true. Annette and I were to go to America for a tour of great cities of that land within a few weeks time. She had already packed a good many of her things and had them shipped abroad.”

    Holmes nodded.

    “And is this cloth in your hand the same that was soaked in chloroform and used to subdue you wife?”

    Mr. Uxbridge looked shocked.

    “It is the very same! How did you know chloroform was used on my wife?”

    “It is the easiest of the anesthesia products to procure and it would certainly not be the first time the product had been used in a case of kidnapping. May I see it?”

    “Of course,” said Uxbridge, who handed over the rag. Holmes looked at it, felt it with his fingers, and then gave it a good strong sniff. He then handed the rag back to Mr. Uxbridge. Holmes addressed Mr. Harrison.

    “Mr. Harrison, who else is in your employ within the house?”

    “There is Walton, our cook Mrs. Fenderlane, my valet, Jameson, and our maid and serving woman, Ms. Wentworth.”

    “I would like to survey a few other rooms and speak for Ms. Wentworth.”

    “Certainly, Mr. Holmes.”

    “Would it be possible for both of you to accompany Watson to the exterior of the house, so that he may survey the grounds?”

    “Absolutely.”

    In this fashion did I find myself outside the house, walking around the grounds underneath the bedroom window that appears to have been the means of escape. I had reviewed a few footprints that had been left from the crime when Holmes reappeared.

    Turning his attention to Mr. Harrison, Holmes asked him:

    “When is the ransom due for you daughter?”

    “I am to deposit the money in a pre-arranged location tonight. Should I refrain from doing so?”

    “By no means. My advise to you is to deposit the money where it has been requested and at the specified time. I believe that, immediately following, you shall see you daughter again.”

    “I will make to arrangements immediately.”

    “I would also send someone as your proxy in this matter. There is no reason why you should be forced to make such a journey again. It can be perilous for the aged to be involved in tenuous transactions such as these. Perhaps Mr. Uxbridge would be willing to deliver the ransom?”

    “I am not so old as all that, Mr. Holmes. In any event, I would certainly rather be there when my daughter is released.”

    “Mr. Harrison, I do not believe your being present will help the situation. The kidnappers will likely not release your daughter immediately, not until they have confirmed the amount of the payment. In addition, they would have no desire to reveal themselves to you, thus opening themselves up to legal action. I think you would deliver the money and find you were given an additional set of instructions while they complete the transaction. I believe that someone else to represent you is a far wiser idea. Given that Mr. Uxbridge is equally affected by the outcome of this transaction and is a younger man of strength, I would recommend you send him.”

    Mr. Harrison considered this for some time before he finally agreed.

    “I will take your advice, Mr. Holmes, though my heart is saddened at the thought that I will not be present to welcome my daughter back into my arms. But if you feel so strongly on this issue, I will acquiesce to your demand.”

    “Excellent!” cried Holmes. “Now, may we impose upon you once more, and request your Mr. Walton deliver us back to London?”

    “But of course. He is at your disposal.”

    The carriage swayed on the ill-kept roads as Dreifus Walton drove us back to London Holmes sat across from me, seemingly lost in thought. He puffed on his pipe, a noxious cloud from the coarse shag tobacco he favoured billowing out the open windows.

    “Well, Watson, What do you think of the situation?”

    Holmes surprised me with his question. Typically he did not care to discuss the aspects of a case when the conversation could so easily be heard by outside parties. I was therefore astonished at his question given our close proximity to the driver, Walton, given that he may have attempted a murder upon my person earlier in the day.

    “Well, it would seem to me that we have two cases that are connected.”

    “Indeed. Pray, continue.”

    “Given that you found the same exotic brand of cigarette in Mrs. Uxbridge’s rooms as we did earlier today in Whitechapel, I can only surmise one conclusion.”

    “And that would be?”

    “That our vanished women are in fact one and the same person.”

    “Eureka, my dear Watson!” cried Holmes. “I have come to the very same conclusion.”

    “Which would mean, of course, that her life is not in any real danger. But I cannot understand what would be her motives.”

    “It is really a simple matter of the heart, Watson. Mrs. Uxbridge has clearly fallen in love in equal parts with two men. One of them is wealth by association, the other is not. I suspect that Mr. Uxbridge is her first husband, therefore the one who has taken up residence with her at her father’s estate. The second man, poor Mr. Holiston, could clearly not reside with her, so he remains in a poorer condition in Whitechapel. There would seem to be a desperate need for money for Mr. Holiston, perhaps to pay off some debt of gambling with which we are not familiar. Since Mrs. Uxbridge would not be able to ask her father for the money, she has feigned her own kidnapping for ransom. Once paid, she will turn it over to Mr. Holiston and return at once to her first husband’s side. Excellent piece of deduction, Watson.”

    Naturally I felt very pleased with myself over Holmes praise. His own poweres of deduction were so severe that I often found myself bringing up the rear of any conclusion to which he may have come. With the case so conclusively solved, it seemed to me a perfect time to watch the lovely countryside of England pass by while we continued our ride home.

    We were deposited just outside our rooms on Baker Street. Holmes thanked Dreifus Walton and we watched as he snapped the reigns of the horses and the carriage pulled away. Almost instantly Holmes gave a shrill whistle to a passing hansom and flagged him down.

    “Quick, Watson, inside!” he cried, grabbing at my arm.

    I was so stunned at his abrupt change from mellow discontent to vigorous pursuit that I had no time to argue.

    “Follow that carriage, and quickly!” Holmes barked at the driver. He cracked his whip and the hansom jolted forward.

    “Holmes, what on earth?” I cried.

    “Peril of the gravest sort, dear Watson. Peril and murder most cold. I only hope we are not too late!”

    We dashed after Dreifus Walton’s carriage, Holmes occasionally barking commands to our driver. We kept the carriage in view, but we remained back far enough that we would not draw attention to ourselves. After taking a long rather circuitous route through the city, we eventually came to a stop by a section of the docks. The carriage was in sight and we saw Walton climb down and disappear in between the many buildings to sat on rusty haunches in the docks yards.

    Holmes jumped out of the hansom, throwing a few notes of money to the driver and giving him curt instructions to remain until we returned. Then he was off and I struggled to catch him.

    When he finally came to rest, it was in the shadowed doorway of a low building at the edge of the wharf. I pulled myself in next to him. Rather out of breath, I panted my questions to him, but he raised a finger to his lips, and I ceased my interrogation. We waited in our darkened spot until we saw Walton re-emerge from a building across the yard from us. He walked with his gorilla gait back toward his carriage, climbed aboard, and was off.

    Holmes and I returned to the hansom. I climbed in but when I turned round, I saw Holmes did not mean to join me.

    “I need to stay here Watson,” explained he, “I have some business I must see to here, but I do need you to return. Can you manage a late night rendezvous here with her old service revolver?”

    “Certainly, Holmes. But why?”

    “All in good time, my dear Watson.”

    And with that I was off.

    I returned to the exact same spot later in the evening when the sun and sunk below the hills and the docks were bathed in the silvery shadows of the full moon. Holmes met me and in an instant we were off to our hiding place once more. We waited for what felt like an interminable time, but just as I began to feel sleep encroach on my consciousness, there came movement at the head of the alley that led to our building.

    Entering the building as he had before was Walton. He carried what appeared to be several old burlap sacks. I expected Holmes to follow him but he made no move. We sat for another hour at least.

    Another movement at the head of the alley caught my attention. Down the lane walked a man. The sharp tenor click of his footsteps gave him to be a gentleman in fine shoes rather than a dockworkers with the thick heavy alto of workboots. He wore a fine hat and a long gray overcoat. In his hand he carried a satchel that appeared heavily weighted.

    I gave a sharp hiss, to which Holmes clasped his iron grip to my wrist in a command for silence. The man passed us by. There could be no mistaking him. It was Julius Uxbridge.

    He entered the same door that Dreifus Walton had entered earlier. Once the door closed, Holmes made his move. He snapped his fingers twice. Out of the darkness rushed a form, dark and silent. As it approached, I recognized it instantly as on of the many street urchins Holmes used for information and assistance on his cases. He bent and said something low in the boy’s ear and then the boy was off, running from the wharves like a shot from a gun. Then Holmes turned to me.

    “Your revolver, please, Watson. We should take no chances.”

    With my pistol gripped handily, we stole across the lane and into the same building we had seen the previous two men enter. It was a large empty space, a warehouse currently little used. It was black as pitch inside with the exception of one corner, which was dimly lit by lamplight. We approached cautiously.

    In the middle of the circle of light cast by the lanterns sat a girl o a chair, bound and gagged. Ropes wound around her waist and chest and snaked around her wrists. The moment I saw her I recognized her face. It was Nefri Holiston, the vanished washwoman. While I had expected to see her in some fashion by the end of our case, I was stunned to find her bound to the chair.

    There were low voices off to her left. Through the weak light I could see the two forms of the men, standing close by. They were deep in conversation and had not noticed our approach. The conversation broken off suddenly. Walton advanced slowly on Nefri Holiston. He reached into his jacket and withdrew the most wicked knife I had ever to that point seen.

    “Now, Waston!”

    Holmes jumped forward and I with him, my pistol trained upon the driver. He stopped midstride and looked for an avenue of escape. Holmes read his mind.

    “Stand still, if you please, Mr. Walton. You as well, Mr. Uxbridge.”

    Holmes turned up the lantern nearest to us, allowing a brighter light to illuminte the scene. The drive bore an evil grimace and Uxbridge wore a sour expression. Nefri Holiston retained the wide-eyed look of panic she had worn moments ago.

    “You remain a continual nuisance, Mr. Holmes,” remarked Uxbridge.

    “You would not be the first to find me so,” answered Holmes. “Now, kindly put down you knife, Mr. Walton, or I will instruct my good friend here to take whatever might be necessary to gain your co-operation.”

    Behind us I heard the familiar snick-snick of a revolver hammer being drawn back. I spun quickly and found a woman standing not more than five feet from me, a pistol in her own hand. It was pointed at my heart.

    “Drop you pistol, Dr. Watson.”

    I had no end to my surprises that day. Standing before me was Nefri Holiston. Although it was not quite the bound woman in the chair. The hair, though equal in color was on a much different style and the clothing was far from the rags of a washwoman. But the face and eyes were exactly the same. I realized with sudden clarity that these two women were twins.

    Holmes had not turned around. He kept his stare locked with the fierce glower of Dreifus Walton.

    “The game’s up, meddler,” said Walton.

    “I think not yet,” replied Holmes.

    A moment later, with a noise akin to a stampeding herd of cattle and the vigorous shouts of the cattlemen, the warehouse filled with bobbies. Walton, Uxbridge, and the woman with the gun found themselves quickly surrounded and Holmes worked the knots biding the poor girl in the chair with his nimble fingers. Inspector Lestrad appeared and advanced upon Holmes.

    “We came as soon as we got your message,” said he. “I hope we are not too late.”

    “Your timing is impeccable, Inspector,” replied Holmes, who then gave over to the inspector the full details of the crimes, both committed and attempted.

     

    Once the matter had been settled, Nerfi Holiston was been re-united with her husband. The next morning found Holmes and I safely ensconced in our rooms at Baker Street, I eating a light morning meal while Holmes puffed on the dreg remains of his pipes from the day before. Through the slate blue haze he explained to me the gaps in my understanding.

    “It seemed to me,” said he, “that our engagement of two cases of kidnapping on the very same day was suspect. Realizing the odds against the two cases being related, I still felt that there could be a possible connection. One might even call it a hunch—please don’t laugh, Watson, I know my reputation for relying strictly on the facts of the case—yet somehow I believed them to be related. And it seems that I was correct.”

    “But when did you first realize that the girls were in fact twins?”

    “I did not know for certain until we arrived at Emberley Harrison’s estate. You may recall the picture we found at Michael Holiston’s flat? While you were reviewing the grounds outside with Uxbridge, I had the chance to investigate a few additional rooms within the house. It was there that I found a portrait that hung in a sitting room. The subject was a nearly identical image of the one we found at Michael Holiston’s flat.”

    “A portrait of the other daughter, no doubt?”

    “More likely their mother, given the age of the painting. From that I surmised that Harrison’s wife had given birth to twins. My thoughts were confirmed when I questioned Ms. Wentworth.”

    “The serving woman? How does she figure it this case?”

    “She has been serving woman to the Harrison’s for many long years. In her youth, she also served as their midwife.”

    “I see,” said I, beginning to come around to Holmes clarity in the case. “She would have been midwife to Harrison’s wife and therefore was able to tell you that Annette Uxbridge was one half of a set of twins.”

    “Precisely.”

    “My conclusions in the hansom ride back to London were completely erroneous,” said I.

    “Indeed they were, my friend, but that was to our advantage, as our drive was Dreifus Walton himself and I knew he would be able to hear the entirety of our conversation. It served perfectly as a diversionary tactic on our part.”

    I felt Holmes was giving me more credit in this regard than I truly warranted, but I savored his inferred compliment nevertheless.

    “But what confounds, Holmes,” I continued, “is what Nefri Holiston is doing living in Whitechapel while Annette Uxbridge is living on the Harrison estate.”

    “My discussions with Ms. Wentworth were fruitful, Watson. During our conversation I learned that Mrs. Harrison, unhappy with the life she led with Emberley Harrison, had in fact faked her own death to get away from him. The midwife helped her in this regard. Thus, while he mourned her loss and took solace with his new infant daughter, Mrs. Harrison—her name was Suri, by the way—literally vanished into the night with her other daughter, one Nerfi Holiston.”

    “Well, that certainly explains the twins and why Mr. Harrison knew nothing of his other daughter’s existence. But I’m still I in the dark regarding the kidnapping and murder plot.”

    “That, my friend, is were fate stepped in for both daughters. You see, Nerfi Holiston was making a meager wages as a washwoman. Her mother, Suri, had passed some years earlier. One afternoon, she arrived at a townhouse in London at the request of the owner. There was laundry to be done immediately. When Nefri Holiston walked into townhouse, she came face to face with her sister, Annette Uxbridge. Both were so unnerved by the chance encounter that neither could find a way to communicate it to anyone. But eventually Annette Uxbridge moved past her shock and told her husband. Together they hatched the plot that drew us into the case in the first place.”

    “What could they have hoped to gain from murdering the poor twin girl?”

    “Money, of course. Since Emberley Harrison did not know he had a second daughter, they would kill the poor washwoman and arrange for her body to be discovered. Upon death, you see, a large sum of the Harrison fortune would have transferred automatically to Julius Uxbridge. Then together they would sail to America where they would become lost to poor old Emberley Harrison. This is why they faked Mrs. Uxbridge’s kidnapping.”

    “How cold-blooded!” I cried. “It’s fortunate you were consulted when you were.”

    “No,” answered Holmes. “I had little to do with saving the girl. I think we can safely say that what saved Nerfi Holiston from death was not my intervention, but rather the Uxbridge’s greed. Had they not decided to ‘double-dip’ as it were by attempting to extort money from the old man via ransom, then I’m certain they would have killed the girl immediately and made off with the money in hand.”

    And with that, Holmes took a last puff from his pipe and settled back into his chair, the dull gray boredom of inactivity filling his eyes.

     

  • Review: Brooks PureConnect 2 Running Shoe

    January 3rd, 2014

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    These are some seriously green shoes. I mean, lordy, you must be able to see me running from space.

    I bought the Brooks PureConnect 2 running shoes a little over a month ago. The reason was two fold. One was because my foot hurt (which you can read about here) and the other is because I had just recently finished reading Born to Run by Chris McDougall and I was feeling all kool-aid-y about minimalist running.

    Since buying them, I’ve run 8 times (only 8 because I lost two weeks of running just trying to finish out the holiday craziness), and raced once. So, how do my feet feel?

    They feel great, actually.

    The first thing you’ll notice is how much lighter these shoes are than your standard pair of running shoes. In the quest to minimize the amount of padding on the heel, the shoe loses a lot of weight that a standard running shoe retains. I don’t have exact weights so please don’t ask. Brooks website should have the dimensions.

    Slipping the shoe on requires a thin sock. This is because the shoe is a very snug fit. It’s not so snug that it feels tight or painfully cuts off your circulation. It feels like its a shoe that fits on your foot the same way that a leather driving glove might fit your hand. The other thing you’ll notice about the shoe upon slipping into it is how much arch is has. I don’t know if it has more arch than a standard shoe, or if the arch is the same as a standard shoe and only feels accentuated by the lack of heel, but you can help but notice it. I won’t lie, it took some getting used to and I was worried at first that I’d bought a pair of shoes I couldn’t actually wear, but after a couple of runs my feet got used to the arches.

    As for how my feet feel, they’re feel good. The issue I was developing in my right foot, which I was terrified was plantar fasciitis, has all but vanished. I still get a little sore, but I’m following the advise of my chiropractor and massaging the bottom of both feet with a golf ball. Between the shoes and the golf ball, they feel solid.

    I have noticed that my left foot feels mostly good in the shoe, but there is a slight tug in my heel when I run. If anything, this illustrates not a problem with the shoe, but the fact that my left foot is slightly smaller than my right foot. The left shoe is not quite as snug as the right one.

    The final test was the race, after which my feet bothered me exactly not at all. Score.

    All in all, I recommend these shoes highly.

  • Starting The New Year Off Right (Almost)

    January 1st, 2014

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    Want to know a killer way to wake up your sleepy self on New Years Day? Run a race. When it’s cold. Damn cold. Like, 15 degrees with a wind chill.

    Welcome to the Northeast.

    I ran my first race this morning. It was the annual Freezer Run put on by the Central Mass Striders. It’s a really simple course, down the street from the school where it starts, under 190, past the Sterling Airport, up around a hook in the street and back the way you came.

    I finished around 49:15. That’s unofficial, since the formal race results haven’t been posted yet. But that’s the time I saw when I crossed the line, which puts my pace around 9:11-ish. For my first race, I’m extremely pleased.

    Some of the highlights of the race include a guy running with two large US flags and a tri-corner hat, donuts as the post-race refreshment, a single prop plane landing one hundred feet from the road, another single prop taking up a glider, a really terrible selfie (at the request of my wife), and finishing.

    Enjoy some pictures below.

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    The Almost part of the title of this post refers to the fact that, as of about 2PM today, I have a whole circuit upstairs that is no longer working. My wife plugged in a vacuum, turned it on, poof! No power. Not only no power, the circuit was still on, never tripped.

    So I’m off to Lowes first thing tomorrow to buy a new ground fault interrupter and install it. The one the vacuum was plugged into has been running hot recently. Hopefully that solves the problem, and that I don’t kill myself replacing it. Otherwise, Day Two of the new year will be spent calling electricians.

  • 2013 Highlights: A Toilet Makes The List

    December 31st, 2013

    Yet another blog post about the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014 and all the things that have happened and have been accomplished and…blah blah blah.

    I know. You’re sick of lists. So am I. So don’t feel compelled to read on. This one is largely for my benefit.

    What did I accomplish? Quite a lot, actually, looking back on it. Here are the highlights:

    Weight – I lost 20 lbs. I feel pretty good about this. Not hugely spectacularly over the moon, but pretty good. The reason I’m not shouting from the rooftops about losing weight is because this is a net number. I had lost 30 lbs going into the holidays, and then gained back 10 lbs during the sugar-infused holiday season. So the net weight loss is 20 lbs. Still, 20 lbs loss has me a lot healthier then where I started, so I’m happy.

    Pants Size – I dropped a pants size. This one I am ecstatic about. I went into this year having gained a pant size. I hadn’t been a 38 waist ever in my life. Ever. And for about a year and half, that’s exactly where I was. My primary resolution for 2013 was to drop that pant size. I’ve done just that. Back down to a 36. Boo’ya.

    Running – The opening of 2013 found me about as sedentary as a sea slug. Then, in March, after straining my back while I was putting a sweater away in a closet (oh, I kid you not), I said, “Screw this. Time to get moving.” Which I did. I’m now a runner. Not a fast one, but a consistent one. And when I go out the door for my normal run, it’s a five miler without second thought.

    Drinking – I quit. Cause, you know, it was time.

    Writing – I’ve put up the first two parts of my novel How It Ends, deciding to serialize it. The parts are here and here, and the reason I’m serializing it is here. The novel itself took my six years to write and edit. That’s primarily due to my own procrastination. And then the decision to self-publish it took another year and a half. I hemmed and hawwed, not sure if I should or should not, wondering if I was passing up a better offer just waiting to be made. It’s a phenomenon I like to call “Self-Publication Constipation.” (I’m thinking about trademarking that.) But I finally did it, with parts three and four coming in the new year, as well as an omnibus edition consolidating all four parts into a single volume.

    Home Renovations – Over the holiday break, my father and I installed a new toilet in our downstairs bathroom. Finally, the old one that barely flushed is gone, replaced with a new one that works beautifully.

    There are probably a few more, little things here and there, but these are the big ones.

    As far as major events, there’s really only one that comes to mind. 2013 saw the passing of my grandmother. The heat of August found me driving down to Long Island with my windows rolled down to compensate for the broken A/C and dusting off a black double-breasted suit I don’t think I’d worn since a wedding ten years earlier. It’s been a few years since I went to a funeral or viewing, and 27 years since it was a member of my family. It was a strange time, full of sadness and family and laughter and wet eyes and food and waiting, endless waiting, along with the pacing of floors.

    2014 starts tonight at midnight. I have a whole slew of stuff I’d like to get accomplished, but I’ll keep those to myself. They’re my resolutions, after all, and no one else’s, so I don’t need to bother anyone with them.

    Here’s hoping that everything we want to get accomplished this year gets accomplished, and that our families remain healthy and happy.

    Happy New Year.

  • Happy Holidays

    December 24th, 2013

    Off for a few days of holidays, food, family, and chaos. In the meantime, Happy Holidays.

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  • How To Draw A Banner

    December 22nd, 2013

    I was drawing with my kids a few weeks ago and they asked me to draw a banner. No idea why. I can’t remember now what the context was. In any event, after I finished the banner, they proclaimed me the greatest artist in the world. Clearly my kids don’t get out enough. That said, I drew up instructions for them to follow on how to draw a banner.

    I present them to you for your enjoyment. Just follow the red lines and soon you’ll have a banner of your very own.

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  • Excel Geeking: A Question For Other Excel Geeks

    December 20th, 2013

    Okay, this one is a bit out on a limb, since I don’t have a lot of followers, and expect most of them follow me for the writing or running posts, but here goes.

    I have a question for my fellow Excel geeks and gurus regarding development and design.

    Anybody with thoughts or opinions is welcome to jump in with comments.

    And who isn’t thinking about Excel programming going into the weekend, amiright?

    Here’s the background:

    I have a set of workbooks that are basically set up to “act” as databases. There being a restriction on the use of MS Access, Excel became the database of choice. Let’s not publicly debate whether or not Excel is a database, it’s what I inherited and have to work with. We all know it’s “database”, with quotation marks around it. Let’s move on.

    I’ve been trying to get the users out of this Excel “database” by using other, separate workbooks for reporting shells, and using SQL to retrieve the data from the Excel “database”. So far, so good.

    I’m at a point now, however, where I may have the option to migrate some of this Excel “database” stuff to a real database, while keeping Excel as a front end and user interface. Beautiful, Totally in my wheelhouse.

    Here’s where I’m, not stuck exactly, but rather in a bit of a quandary as to how far to take my new approach.

    The Excel UI workbooks are going to require support tables to make them run. Those support tables are going to be housed in a database. Upon opening the UI workbook, the SQL statements will fire off, careening over the network via ADO connections, and sucking the data back down the pipe, only to land in the UI workbooks and make everything sunshine and roses.

    Which, based on my current programming, it does.

    Except I don’t want to hard code five or ten or fifteen or whatever number of SQL queries it will take to load the support tables.

    So I came up with what I felt was a nice, tidy, and portable solution. A SQL table range in a worksheet that will house the SQL statements themselves, and as I iterate through it, the SQL (all SELECT–let’s not make life hard with INSERT, UPDATE, and things of that ilk) will be read from the cells, fed into a custom class I built for managing ADO connections to databases (it’s sweet, I’ll share it sometime), and off to the database the SQL will go.

    Fantastic so far. No problems. Everything working like a dream.

    Until the thought occurred to me, “You’re still hard coding your SQL, you’re just doing it in a worksheet instead of directly in VBA.”

    Well, gosh darn it all, that’s true. The SQL would have to be written into the table range prior to the roll-out of the UI workbook, and if it changes, I’d have to recall the workbook and issue a rev’d version.

    Unless…

    And here’s where I need the help. My next step, which is done by the way, was to create another table in the database, one that houses the SQL statements themselves. So now, when the UI workbook launches, it loads all the SQL statements first, THEN fires them off one by one until all the supporting tables have been loaded.

    At this point I took a step back and thought, am I nuts? I mean, behind the regular brand of nuts? Am I building this thing up to much for a workbook application? The idea behind it was to load SQL statements that could be centrally managed in the database by an administrator. If something in the SQL changes, then the SQL statement housed in the database can be changed, and when the UI workbook runs, it will pull down the new SQL and run with that, rather than having to go into the UI workbook and change it manually in a worksheet.

    So the question I have for my fellow geeks and gurus is: have I gone too far? Is this overkill? Am I SQL-drunk?

  • Why Star Wars Episode III Is Actually A Good Film

    December 18th, 2013

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    This is not a review. If you want a review of the Star Wars prequel movies, Google it. You’ll get somewhere in the neighborhood of a googol of reviews. (See what I did there?) The new movies have been reviewed, dissected, disemboweled, villified, trumpeted, defended, and defecated on more than just about any movie franchise extension I can remember. And rightly so. The original Star Wars trilogy took about two days in 1977 to completely and totally embed itself like a deer tick in the American (and worldwide, really) pop culture psyche.

    Naturally, then, when Lucas announced in the mid 90’s that he was embarking on the holy crusade of geekdom and making three new Star Wars movies, the world lost its collective shit. As a child of the 70’s and 80’s, I can safely say, so did I.

    I wanted to like the new Star Wars movies. I desperately wanted to like them. Someone asked me (I can’t remember who now, since it’s been fifteen years) what if the movies weren’t that good. And all I can remember thinking was “What are you, nuts? How could they possibily be bad?” How indeed.

    My primary gripe with Lucas is that he forgot his own motto, by which he lived back in the time of the first three movies. Specifically, he stated that a special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing. I wish he’d remembered that, and modified it a little. A special effect with TOO much story is also a boring thing. The first of the new moveis, The Phantom Menace, had all kinds of stuff going on in it. A dispute centering on a trade dispute, which causes the aggressors to invade a largely peaceful planet. The political machinations of a dark shadowy figure pushing the aggressor to act first. The discovery of a messianic child and his extraction from his slave existence. The peaceful planet’s not so peaceful coexistence between two species that, while not at war, are certainly not at peace. A noble knight so blinded by his belief in the potential of the messianic child that he’s willing to defy the orders of his elders and train the boy.

    I mean, way too much.

    The Phantom Menace, while it made a bundle and a half of money, received a lukewarm response from critics. Viewers and devotees of the franchise flocked and reflocked, and flocked a third time, to see the young Obi-Wan, the younger Anakin, the insanely awesomely designed and underused villain Darth Maul, and to lose themselves in new depths of a galaxy they had not visited in sixteen years.

    Guilt as charged.

    I actually didn’t despise the first movie the way many fans did. I was four when I first visited the barren wastes of Tattooine. Returning to the desert planet was like a homecoming of sorts for me. Despite the inadvertent cultural insults, the hit and miss speed sequence of the pod race, and lackluster acting and dialogue that can only be summarized as being written with a “tin ear”, I enjoyed the first movie.

    The second movie was so-so for me. Lucas continued to push forward, continued to direct, folding odd storylines in on themselves, and introducing even more special effects that were, honestly, boring.

    While the third movie seemed to showcase Lucas finding his directorial stride, it was still beset with issues ranging from crappy dialogue to continuity holes so big, they could only be filled by the small cadre of party-line devotees that refuse to see the movies’ flaws for what they are, and endlessly debate the ways the continuity holes were “probably” filled.

    And yet…

    And yet, as I watched the third movie, I realized that, as we came to a point that every Star Wars geek had been waiting for, the visualization of the betrayal of the Jedi order at the hands of Anakin, as I watched him arrive at the Seperatist stronghold on Mustafar and proceed to, um, despense Sith justice to the Seperatist leaders, I realized the Lucas may be a stroytelling genius. These Seperatists–who had been among the primary antagonists of the first two movies, and the first half of the third, who the audience was meant to root against and whom the Jedi struggled to defeat–these individuals were being slaughtered at the hands of the newly annointed Darth Vader, showing ruthless effeciency. As he cut down the Seperatists, I realized that these villains/victims had been the progeneters of the Rebel Alliance, a group that we will ultimately root FOR in Episodes IV through VI.

    It was a kind of stark moment for me, and I sat in the theater wondering how I should feel about that. And as I watched the phenominal final lightsaber duel between Anakin and Obi-Wan, a duel made fantastic by the involvement and advise provided to Lucas by his good friend Steve on how to craft a great action sequence, I realized that the characters I thought I knew had changed, as did my feelings toward them. As this realization came to me, I accepted the fact that Episode III was actually a good film.

    Through all of the machinations and somersaults Lucas took in his films to set up a political war, a power grab by an evil villain, and the subsequent betrayal of the Jedi order, Lucas created a helluva story arc. What’s unfortunate is that his execution on the movies was feeble, causing his Machievellian like plotting to be overshadowed by mediocre filmmaking.

    Maybe these would have been better as books…

  • Excel Geeking: Checking If A Workbook Is Present

    December 16th, 2013

    I’m like a lot of Excel gurus, I suspect, in that I’ll see something that Excel does and think “I can do that better”. Or, better yet, I’ll see something Excel doesn’t do at all an think, “Oh yeah, I have to build that.” It doesn’t really matter if I need the utility or will ever use it more than once, the idea that it could be done looms out there like a challenge waiting to be met.

    (Remind me to tell you sometime about the latest windmill I’m tilting toward, and have been for over a week.)

    In the last several years of constructing utilities, I’ve come to rely on a simple little routine to tell me whether I should use the routine. No, it doesn’t do anything magical like evaluate my worksheets and choose the best tool automatically. If it did that, then we’d be verging on the days of Skynet. No this is more about whether the environment is right for a utility.

    See, I have some utilities that require a workbook to be present. No workbook, no use for the utility. Worse yet, no workbook, potential error as the utility tries to locate one.

    With that in mind, I add this tiny function to any add-ins that could potentially be loaded without a workbook being present. It checks for a workbook and returns a TRUE or FALSE depending on what it finds:

    Function bWorkbookPresent() As Boolean
    ‘*******************************************************************************
    ‘ Description:  This function test to see if there is a workbook available.
    ‘
    ‘ Author:       Scott Lyerly
    ‘ Contact:      scott.c.lyerly@gmail.com
    ‘
    ‘ Name:             Date:           Init:   Modification:
    ‘ bWorkbookPresent  16-DEC-2013     SCL     Original development
    ‘
    ‘ Arguments:    None
    ‘
    ‘ Returns:      Boolean     TRUE=workbook present; FALSE=workbook is absent
    ‘*******************************************************************************

        ‘ Variable declaration
        Dim wkb As Workbook
        
        ‘ We’ll turn off error handling to keep this from throwing an error.
        On Error Resume Next
        
        ‘ Try to set the workbook variables.
        Set wkb = ActiveWorkbook
        
        ‘ Check if the variable is Nothing
        If wkb Is Nothing Then
            
            ‘ If it is, then there was no workbook present to set the variable, meaning
            ‘ there is no workbook present.
            MsgBox “No workbook present.” & _
                   vbNewLine & vbNewLine & _
                   “Operation cancelled.”, _
                   vbOKOnly + vbExclamation, _
                   “Workbook Error”
                  
            ‘ Return FALSE for the function
            bWorkbookPresent = False
            
        Else
        
            ‘ Otherwise, there was a workbook present, so we’re good.
            ‘ Return TRUE for the function.
            bWorkbookPresent = True
        End If
        
        ‘ Make sure to turn error handling back on.
        On Error GoTo 0
        
    End Function

    Implementing this is really easy, just a single line of code:

    
    If Not bWorkbookPresent Then Exit Sub
    

    That’s it. Feel free to reuse it. Enjoy.

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